Seasons

There is a season for everything...and eventually each season changes into the next.

No more baby.

I would say I lost the pregnancy, but to me that just sounds as though I should be able to find it.  So, what I will do is say that my pregnancy is over and I doubt I will ever again be pregnant.  AND I am at peace with that.  The details aren't important and certainly aren't anyone's business.  If I'm being completely honest, I would typically be more of an open book...But, all of our parents think the simple explanation above is enough and this particular time I am choosing to take their word for it that one day, I will appreciate having kept details to myself.  If not, maybe one day I will share the details, but not today.  I can also say, that I don't believe that they want to discuss it either, so please respect that privacy and accept this post as the only explanation.

All of that said, I'm ok.  This pregnancy never felt right.  Which is the opposite of my pregnancy with Clayton.  My pregnancy with Clayton never felt wrong and ALWAYS felt right.  That was a distinction I made early on this time.  But I put on my happy-everything-is-going-to-work-out face and tried to ignore my intuition.  I even got a cradle, started a list of things we would need and pretty much had names picked out.  All just trying to focus on the positives and the fun stuff.  I tried to push my doubts to the back of my head and was even taking some preggo safe anxiety meds for them.  I did ok for a while.  Then for the last few weeks I have been sick.  Around the clock sick.  It was like having the stomach bug nausea with minimal throwing up 24 hours a day with no end in sight.  It made it much harder to focus on the positives.  I felt like my life fell apart once I got sick.  It became impossible to ignore the fact that the pregnancy didn't feel right once that kicked in.  I was too sick for nearly everything.  And my health issues (me and the doctor think from chronic stress) that started after Clayton and I returned from Texas the other summer only got worse during the pregnancy.  Things like chronic pain throughout my torso, back and neck and numbness and tingling in my extremeties.  I was only in my first trimester, but because of my personal health issues, it felt like my third.  It was quite miserable.

And now, everything is over.  And I am OK.  I am OK to the point I almost feel guilty for feeling so OK.  This whole experience was God providing me with answers I have been looking for for years.  I know that 100% and that has a lot to do with why I am so OK.  Part of those answers were about what is right for Clayton.  And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that right now a sibling is not right for Clayton.  Again, I tried to be optimistic in the beginning, but I know now.  I know that he still needs us too much.  I know that until we get through his kidney and his back the time is not right.  He needs all of us right now.  For the bad times and to provide him with fun times.  I hate that it took this (VERY) unexpected experience for me to find the answers I have been searching for, but I cannot clearly describe the overwhelming sense of peace having these answers provides me.  I am so OK because I know God provided me the answers I so desperately needed through this experience.  And knowing those answers, I know that the way things have worked out is what's best for Clayton.  So when I say I am at peace, I mean it.

My only regret is that we as humans are so ridiculously stupid or stubborn (not sure which) that we need to go through things like this to find the answers we seek.  Because despite my peace with the situation, I am all too aware that the beginnings of a life were started and then lost before it could begin.  I told George I would like to plant a tree.  Maybe one Clayton can one day play under and we can gaze at from our house to mark this season of our lives.

I am so thankful for my sweet buddy and that this weight (of unanswered questions) has now been lifted and that I can thoroughly enjoy my time with him without questions and what ifs.  He is my life.  He is everything good, everything right and everything beautiful in this world.  I am so grateful to be his mom and that is all I need.  Maybe one day in ten years or so we can adopt if that is what feels right.  But for now life is just about keeping Clayton happy and healthy.

Thank You

One very important thing I forgot to add yesterday was a thank you to our sisters, brother and all of our parents for their enthusiasm with our news.  Especially with my anxiety over the situation, y'all's enthusiasm means a lot!

Now I just need everyone to bear with me while I handle this the best I can.  It's not that I'm not excited, I am.  I just have at least the same amount of fear as I do excitement...maybe more.  I made my game plan to handle this and thought I was doing really well and then Sunday night I had the worst anxiety attack of my life.  So bad, that even though I knew it was likely anxiety, I went to the ER just to be sure it wasn't a heart attack or something.  It felt like something.  Chest pain, back and neck pain shortness of breath.  It definitely had me worked up.  Sadly, after 7 years with Clayton I've just been traumatized. And yes, that's different than crazy because I have a lot of really good reasons to have been traumatized.  I feel a bit like damaged goods.  Thank goodness the OB's office called me in something for anxiety (safe for baby of course) at my request.  Praying that helps.  Because anxiety and stress will make it harder to successfully carry a healthy baby.  And despite all my fears I LOVE the idea of Clayton getting a buddy.  So I am excited, truly.  I just have to work through the fear too.  I think once we past the point of finding out the gender I will be much better off.  It was before that point that we found out Clayton was going to have medical issues, so if we can pass that point free and clear I think I will be able to breath a little easier.

Also thank you to our friends and family on Facebook and all their enthusiastic congratulations!  

Surprise...

So, we're in shock.  This is a HUGE unplanned SURPRISE.  It is very early, but we couldn't keep this secret from our immediate family and we knew they wouldn't be able to keep it to themselves for long, so we decided to go ahead and announce it on our own terms.  My due date should be around December 4th.  We are obviously still in the miscarriage high risk zone of the first trimester, but we decided to share in spite of that.  We decided that no matter what happens, this was part of our story with Clayton and we had no reason for secrecy.  If for some reason this pregnancy does not work out than at the very least some of our family might now have some answers they've been wanting to know and George and I might find a few answers ourselves.  We are whole-heartedly along for the ride of whatever master plan He has waiting for us.

I was alone when I found out and quickly became hysterical telling George I needed him home.  Once he got home, I couldn't even tell him.  I just sat on the edge of the bed crying pointing at the bathroom.  He kind of laughed when he saw the tests everywhere.  He handled it much better than I did.  Apparently, he had already told someone he suspected as much.

We have talked about this for years.  I know some folks have wondered since it's been nearly seven years since Clayton.  It has been a very delicate subject for me.  I have always felt like with Clayton, being Clayton, I "couldn't" have another child even if I wanted to.  He demanded so much.  And I am happy to meet those demands.  So even though we have considered the idea, we have never felt free to make that choice.  Now I've broken two of my own rules.  In discussing it, we knew if we were going to, it would be in the next couple years, but I told myself I would not be pregnant for our fall Disney trip and Clayton would have to be a full 3 years NED.  We are a couple months from 3 years NED, but we won't do his tests until September.  And if all goes well, I'll be 7 months in Disney now.  All of which is less than ideal to me.  But I keep telling myself two things...(A)  For it to happen now might be a sign that with all we have going on with Clayton, this is our only window and so God rushed things along and (B) George was willing to do whatever I wanted, but I was never able to make up my mind, so this way, God showed us His decision, which brings us back to (A).

So why was I crying?  Well, when I took the test, I glanced at it as I set it on the counter only to see that the lines were starting to form already.  Mind. Blown.  But I didn't have a chance to watch it change because the dog had peed in the house and I was off to clean it up before Clayton went to sliding.  Ironically, the dog is in heat right now; poor thing has trouble holding in her pee since she's been this way.  So when I got back and saw the positive results, I immediately looked at Clayton and burst into tears.  It has finally started to feel like he and I have a handle on things.  We can do so much on our own now.  The idea of throwing another child in there just seemed to ruin that.  I didn't want anything to take away from Clayton.  He runs our little world and we let him.  This would change everything.  The idea of taking anything away from him just broke my heart, he deserves all of us.

Next there was an immediate flood of anxiety.  Crap can I have a healthy baby...will I be healthy...can I make it through labor and delivery...aww shit.  My first pregnancy was anxiety ridden from the beginning (but especially from 14 weeks onward) and I can't foresee this one being much different.  The last seven years have given me a lot to be anxious about.

On that subject I know there will be some people who think we are crazy or irresponsible for this to happen given everything with Clayton.  I know that whether folks are positive or negative about this most folks will wonder in the back of their mind about the health of this baby.  So let me say this...We aren't stupid.  We know due to our first experience and every day since that we might be in for a lot of heartbreak.  And what we ask is that if you are negative or pessimistic about this life event of ours, please keep it to yourself.  It's enough that I feel inadequate on my own as a mother-to-be, I really will not be tolerant of any outside negativity.  One of the most important things for me will be to suppress my fears and anxiety throughout this and those anxieties will be challenge enough without the ( possibly unintentional, but still) hurtful thoughts of others.  Because know matter what people think, I can say that we have already thought about it and whether someone might realize it or not it is hurtful to me.  Like I said, I have always been sensitive with the idea of another child.  The negative thoughts of others are why.  Not because I care what folks think, but because those same thoughts swim in my mind everyday, I don't need to be reminded of them by outsiders.  In fact for as much time as possible throughout this pregnancy, I am going to be trying to forget them when it isn't absolutely necessary to bring them up.  I aim to be as stress free and healthy as possible for this pregnancy.  So even if you are expressing your concerns out of love, don't.  There is not a concern anyone could have I haven't already had, plus a million more.  What we need is positivity and prayers.  Please just pray that this will be a healthy baby and that I will be healthy throughout this and nothing will happen to me so I can still be here for Clayton during and after.  I mean it, we desperately need those two prayers!  

I do want to point out to some of those that are concerned, that there are plenty of families who have had a child with health concerns and who have still gone on to have heathy children.  We have always been told there was no genetic fault from George or I with Clayton's challenges.  A random gene mutation is responsible for everything from his learning challenges to his severe medical needs.  Which by the way we adore his learning challenges.  They only make folks love him more.  We would not trade those for anything.  It is only the medical stuff we could do without.  Even some of the medical would be ok, just not all of it.  We have been exhausted from it all and it has definitely been taking its toll lately.  But that's another post entirely.

Since we did not knowingly make this decision, we have a lot to figure.  But we'll figure it out.  Thank God we are at least settled in our new house and George will be over half way to his degree when the baby comes. When the baby comes should be interesting enough because it will be in the middle of George's final exams for school.  Poor guy, he's never gonna get to sleep.

All of that said, I have grown more excited about it since finding out.  All part of my anti-anxiety plan.  Focus on the fun stuff...and lots of reading to distract myself.  It's funny because Clayton is both the number one reason I don't want another child and the number one reason I do.  Such a tug of emotions.  The idea of him having a buddy makes me ecstatic!  I think that for kids like Clayton, siblings are important and beneficial in every way.  I just have to get past the idea, that Clayton won't have all of me now.  I also think the timing of Clayton's development with this baby's could be extremely helpful to him as far as communicating and progression goes.  There is so much good that can come from this if we can get past all the shock and worry.  Shock is an understatement.  I made George go get more pregnancy tests and a different brand just to be sure there wasn't some fluke.  I really and truly could not believe it.

So anyway, SURPRISE! And please, please, please pray for our family with this next chapter.