Clayton's welcoming in fall with a snotty nose this week. But that isn't deterring us from LOVING this weather. AMAZING. Oh how I have missed fall. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm even more grateful that I am feeling like myself again and can hopefully thoroughly enjoy the fall, football and holiday seasons. My neurologist, who diagnosed the benign tumor on my back has been helping me with some anxiety meds as well. The cliff notes of her words are that I've had too much stress for too long and need to give my head a break and a chance to restore its normal chemical balance. The disruption of those normal chemical levels due to so much stress over the last seven years left me with a chemical imbalance that had me exhibiting so many of the physical signs of stress as well as a heightened sensitivity to pain/discomfort. Her plan is that I stay on this medication for six months to "retrain" my body to hold on to those chemicals naturally not only restoring the correct chemical balance, but maintaining it. The mind is an incredibly powerful tool that people underestimate. Understanding what various types of trauma can do to the mind is very important. Equally important is understanding that the body works as a whole; it only takes one thing being "off" to set off a chain reaction (such as physical pain, nausea, weight gain/loss, etc.). Anyhow, I adore my neurologist and am so glad she is in my corner.
I'm being open about all of this because of all the reasons I've said before, plus multiple people have expressed that they wondered how I had coped with everything. Well...I haven't. Not really. I thought I had, but these last few months I have really realized that I haven't. I have been in constant survival mode and haven't taken the time to cope. The closest I came was attempting to cut everything out of my life that I feasibly could that caused me stress. For so long, I was so proud of myself thinking I had managed everything on my own, never needed medication, wasn't depressed, had a good positive outlook and felt blessed in-spite of our horrible circumstances. I was so focused and proud of myself for not allowing my situation to depress me that I didn't give much thought to the stress build up and the resulting anxiety. Actions on my part which led up to the last year and a half and particularly to the last few months of my trying to work things out.
So when people wonder how I've done it, know that I didn't. It's a mistake I would hope others could learn from because the past year and a half for me was pretty rough personally (honestly you can look at me and tell). Thankfully building our house served as a distraction or I fear it would have been even worse. It isn't enough to have a good outlook in spite of the hard times or a hard life; the stress is still there and you have to find a way to deal with it. I will say this though, I have tremendous love for two ladies I worked with during that first year of Clayton's cancer: Gina and Karen. Going to work with them everyday and laughing with them did help me cope in those early days. They kept my head above water then and it was because we laughed. Because honestly the three of us had one of the crumbiest jobs dealing with grumpy people and yet we laughed every day. And while I don't miss that job in the slightest, I miss laughing with them.
I think my lack of coping with my stress was one reason I was always looking for projects like grad school or the thrift shop we did for the foundation, etc. I think I was looking for distractions. Which just made everything worse because nothing was ever more than a band-aid. But now I have been on this new medicine for about a month and I am finally feeling like myself again. No more emotional eating. No desperate search for my next distraction. Less physical pain. Less anxiety. Just me. I think even Clayton has noticed. He is going through a SERIOUS mommy phase now and I think its because he's like "yay, my mommy's back". I mean serious mommy phase.
I definitely have not figured out all the answers and I don't know that I won't find myself back in a similar situation again, but for now I feel great and I feel like me again. The trick is going to be handling my stress moving forward because Clayton's battles are on going, which means my stress will be too.
So I wish I had some magic wisdom for mom's like me or any mom for that matter, but I don't. All I have is DO NOT underestimate what your stress can do to your life. I did. And I have paid a high price for it in ways people will never know. So don't be like me and assume that just because you feel blessed and have a positive outlook that all is well. You have to find a way to work through your stress. That might mean different things for different people. For me, our family has made some changes I'll tell you about in another post, but my stress became so severe that I needed the extra help the medicine had to offer.
So just like the trees this fall, I get to shed some of my leaves, rest for the winter and then begin again...
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