October 29, 2013

We are doing cancer scans again.  We just sent Clayton back for a combo MRI, CT and bone marrows.  They gave him some versed before he went back and he silently let them wheel him away.  Moments after the large double doors closed though Geoerge and I could hear him screaming .  As a parent, every urge in your body is wanting to bust through the doors and throw everybody off of your child, scoop him up and run...just run.  However, the thing about cancer and special needs is you don't get to be a "normal" parent and you have to suppress so many of your parental/survival instincts and too often be a part of your child's pain or distress.  And for the times that you aren't a physical part of it, you have little choice, but to sit back and tell your emotional self that what you know is happening isn't, or that it will be over soon, or that you have to do this to them.  Anything to try and rationalize the screams and the pain and the fear you know your child is feeling.  

Once all of that passes, I'm secretly relieved when he is asleep.  I know that he is peacefully asleep and I get rare kid free time to just sit and think...before the fear of him waking up and being crazy or having problems recovering from anesthesia sets in...