Winding Down...

So two Fridays ago, I ended up in the ER.  I was home with Clayton and started having chest pain that radiated through my left arm and up through my neck and head, all on my left side.  I am not a hypochondriac nor am I am one to freak out about pain or bodily cramps.  But I had never felt anything like this and with all of our stress with Clayton, my getting older and my being overweight (I've gained 25 lbs since Clayton got cancer), I was a bit worried.  Since my normal doc was not in, I went to the ER to be safe.  They did all kinds of tests to rule out anything life threatening.  The diagnosis was unspecified chest pain.  It seems to have been a severe anxiety attack.  Not gonna lie though, I thought I might have been having a heart attack.  The irony of that for me was that I spent a lot of time this summer trying to get healthy even when I wasn't losing weight.  I was easily gettinig my 30 minutes of physical activity daily around the hospital, I wasn't eating as much meat and I was eating and drinking fruits and veggies like they were going out of style (yes drinking because of juicing).  I stay away from foods with MSG, hormones, antibiotics, artificial preservatives, flavoring, etc., and foods that are GMOs.  In other words, probably 80% (maybe more) of my diet are healthy whole foods.  So the idea that I could have been having a heart attack after changing my lifestyle over the past couple of years and especially over the past few months was incredibly ironic to me at the time.

The fact is though, I am getting closer to thirty, under extreme pressure on a daily basis and overweight.  A heart attack is more and more likely.   It is not unheard of for women to have heart attacks at 30 (which I'm getting closer too).  I am becoming more and more aware that I am aging and I have to continue to grow and respect my body through diet and exercise.  Not to mention my risk for cancer.  My grandmother had cancer, my father had cancer and my son has/had cancer, so what reason to I have to believe that I won't get cancer myself? I have none. 

One of the things that started me changing our diets over the past couple of years was watching what Clayton's body has gone through and my growing respect for both the power and the vulnerability of the human body.  I mean seriously, when is the last time any of you parents watched your child breath in and out and thanked God for the ability for those lungs to breathe in and out again and again.  Really, how many of you have stared at the rise and fall of your child's chest and thought about their lungs as magic?  I have.  I have because I have seen how quickly that one seemingly "expected" bodily function can stop working properly.  Everything we have witnessed with Clayton has given me a deep respect for the human body and what we ask it to endure.  I have grown to understand both how delicate it is to our environment, as well as how receptive it is to healing when possible.  One of the things I started doing over the summer was juicing.  I juice fresh fruits and vegetables everyday.  Even Clayton drinks the juice of about four freshly juiced carrots each day for their powerful antioxidants.  I've also reduced the amount of meat I eat and cut out most grains.  Clayton continues to drink his organic milk and apple juice and we have finally gotten him off of Apple Jacks and onto organic honey O's.  Progress.  I know there are many people who think this stuff is a waste, but my child had cancer and I beleive in this stuff.  I believe it can help his body recover from the past two years and I believe it can act as a preventative when used properly.  I have to thank my friend Annabeth and her angel Abigail for inspiring me to take my family's health further and explore many of these lifestyle changes.  Here's the thing: as crazy as some might things I am about this, I don't want to put Clayton through chemo again.  Once was enough.  It sucked.  It sucked bad and now feels like a bad nightmare.  So if I can do something while the cancer is not growing that could potentially keep it from coming back, then hell yea I'm going to do it.  I will do whatever I can to spare Clayton, George and myself from enduring that hell all over again.  So if that makes me a hippie or a health nut, then I'll be the happiest damn hippie-health nut you ever saw!

Maybe it's because I have spent the past two years surrounded by so many beautiful souls fighting for life.  I have lived in one hospital after another.  I have rested my head on the edge of one hospital bed after another with weary eyes while caring for Clayton post op.  In 2013 alone, I have spent four out of nine months away from home. I have spent time with beautiful children who have died.  I have watched many children vomit uncontrollably just trying to make it down a hallway as they endure the chemo being used to fight their cancer.  I have watched children grit through the pain of spinal surgeries as they have to find the strength to walk again.  I have seen children bouncing around on their new prosthetic limbs like they had just been handed the world.  I have seen so many sweet sweet sweet little beings for whom their lives will end too soon or for whom they have been asked to endure a lifestyle most people could not imagine. And I describe it as though witnessing these things makes me special.  Not what I mean.  It doesn't.  It makes me aware.  More aware than most people, which is why all of these things have changed me and shaped me these past two years.  I live in constant fear Clayton's life will end too soon.  And now I'm starting to fear my own life will end too soon.  I'm tired and trying to keep whatever strands of sanity I can still cling too.  Now that we are past his back surgery and home again, I am turning all of my attention to Clayton, our health and The George Clayton Childhood Cancer Foundation.  So you won't hear a whole lot from me.  I'll still post from time to time and if we have anything big happen I'll certainly keep everyone updated through the blog, but on a regular basis, I'll be more absent.  BUT Clayton and I will be at the store a few days a week and will pop in and out even when we don't spend he day there, if anybody wants to come visit.

As for how Clayton is doing now... Good.  Much more himself.  Moving good, but ready to get the cast off mid October.