January 18, 2012

Sorry about not posting yesterday, we didn't get home from Birmingham until Monday night and then both worked yesterday, so by last night we were zonked.  Since January 4th we have only spent two nights at home, and now we're back at the hospital for round three.
All I could do this afternoon was to apologize to Clayton for what I was about to put him through.  In the beginning some people would ask, "what if you don't do chemo?"  Here is the reality: Clayton will not survive without this treatment.  I know that is blunt and might startle some people, but it is what gets me through chemo.  Knowing that everything we are doing is to save is life is what gets me through, it is what enables me to have the strength to sign consents agreeing to put my child through the unthinkable.  It is what enabled me to stay level-headed and not break down driving back from getting dinner tonight after George told me that for the first medicine Clayton is getting this evening, our nurse will be sitting by his side checking his vitals every 10 minutes for it's two hour duration.  It is what kept me from bawling when I got back  to the room and saw that they had a crash cart sitting outside the door "just in case" that same medicine causes problems.  It is what is giving me the patience to keep from telling some medical professionals what I really think right now because they didn't plan for Clayton's hydration and his IV nutrition properly tonight.  It is what has enabled me to accept that the second drug he gets this evening could cause damage to his only working kidney.  And it is what has enabled me to accept that that same drug has a 50% chance of causing permanent hearing loss of some kind.  It is also the thing that enables me to accept that we will have to do this all over again with these same drugs for the 5th round of chemo.
Now let me answer some questions.  Will he have to have the "just-in-case crash cart" medicine again? Yes.  He will get it the next two nights and in another round of chemo down the road.  Did he need the crash cart? No, but the fact that I am giving my child something that might make a crash cart necessary fills me with sorrow.  What might happen to his kidney? In general, his kidney function could decrease and since he only has the one...He could lose some of his hearing? Yes.  Just some of it or all of it?  We just have to wait and see, if we're lucky, maybe none.
So while blurting out what I did might startle some people, it allows me to justify everything we have to put Clayton through.  Knowing that all this bad will lead to something good is what makes all of this suck a little less.  Well, that and this...

 As for what we have to do with this round of chemo?  We will spend the rest of the night trying to make sure Clayton urinates every one to two hours in order to flush the drugs out of his system as quick as possible to do as little damage as possible.  Then we will get to repeat that same thing every night for the next three nights...no rest for the weary.  Off to keep the little man awake.