Today has been full of mixed emotions. On the one hand we are thrilled to be going to MSKCC and on the other hand we are scared out of our minds. Scared about traveling with Clayton; Is he going to cooperate on the airplane? Or is he going to be the kid making everyone think, "dear god please let that kid shut up"?
How is he going to be at staying in the Ronald McDonald House? We've never been anywhere other than the hospital with him.
Are we going to like the new hospital? The facility that is. Are we going to do scans all over? What will these doctors have to say about the scans? Will they see something different?
We know this is the right move, but it is still a huge move. I also keep thinking about all the families we are going to meet. It is almost like having a child with cancer makes you part of a club or a secret society that no one volunteers for and now we going to the main clubhouse. I am excited to meet these other families and yet I am already sad as well. I know that not all of their stories will be headed for a happy ending. Unfortunately that is the nature of this beast called neuroblastoma.
A big part of the anxiety stems from the mental image of them taking Clayton away for surgery. It will be the fifth time I have had to watch them take him away in his three years on earth. I am all to familiar with his limp body under anesthesia, but the thought continues to cause one knot after another to swell in my throat. This will be his longest surgery yet. His pyloplasty (spelling?) as an infant was about six hours. Only a little more than half the expected time of this surgery.
Lots of nerves. Lots. Life with cancer is a lot of the unknown. Lots of questions. And just like my first post about 3F8, it is very abrupt. There isn't a lot of time to think or process. Things tend to move fast. Just like our going to MSKCC. It just came together and now the time is here...
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