Many of the words and thoughts entering my head are not appropriate for this blog. So let me start with this, I write this blog to inform the people that care about my child. If you don't fit that category, quit reading. Secondly, I do not take kindly to bullying. That said, here is a part of our story we have never elaborated on, that has recently been called into question by one person...
When my child was diagnosed with cancer, George and I didn't know what we were going to do. We debated whether we would have to let our house go into foreclosure or try and sell it and move into one of my parent's houses. We didn't know if I would have to quite work or what to tell them. We had no idea what to expect and no idea where things were headed. However, we were so blessed to find ourselves surrounded by so many amazing coworkers and supervisors who stood behind us and our child and the fight we had ahead. For months they have rallied around us to show their support and it has been amazing. When our world was dangerous and unsure, our coworkers were there to be the security blanket that helped us feel safe. The most amazing part, is that our family isn't special, our coworkers would have done that for any of their fellow coworkers, because that is how amazing they are. During the past few months, we have witnessed similar shows of support for other families experiencing unexpected hardships. It is an amazing thing to be a part of a group of people that treat each other that way.
For the past almost eleven months, our family has been beaten and bruised by cancer. We have been covered in a cloak of darkness never knowing what might be coming next. Our coworkers have been a huge part of the light that shines through to let us know tomorrow will come and so will the day after that. I cannot tell you how much I love to go to work with the ladies I work with. Even on the hard days we make each other laugh and it rocks. They work extra hard on the days I'm not there and they don't complain about it. I know George feels the same way about the guys he works with too- not to mention those guys are amazing to me and Clayton. And it isn't just the people we work with directly everyday, it is the people we pass in the hall or have to call on the phone or the ones that I find a reason to sneak back to their office just to say hey for a minute. It is the ones that we have never met and don't even know us. All of these people have been a part of our light. I am not good with expressing my feelings, but if I were, I would be thanking all of these people every day. Every. Single. Day. Really, my not being good with expressing my feelings is no excuse and for that I apologize. I apologize if I do not express the level of gratitude that these people deserve.
Recently, one person decided they did not like that our coworkers were there for us the way they have been and that we were going to New York taking road trips instead of being at work. At first I was furious, and George just told me "don't let one sour apple get to you." I took a few minutes and composed myself trying desperately not to jump to conclusions or make assumptions about the kind of person this person must be to make such an accusation. The idea that someone could complain about us having one or two days of fun on the WEEKEND hurt. We have spent the last 11 months in hell and trying to say we shouldn't have a couple of days of fun on the WEEKEND while we are in NYC...Where do they get off? So I hope that person is reading, because I would like to point out some things on this post:
On November 22, I found out that there was a good chance that the light of my life might die. A 70% chance that my sweet baby might die, that is what George and I have been faced with. Now, if you knew there was a 70% chance you or your child might die, what would you do? God gave me a choice, I could spend my days living in the darkness of our circumstances or I could chose to help myself, help my family, get off my lazy butt, stop wallowing in self pity and do something. And at some point through the shock, the anger, the fear and the treatment, I chose to do something. Something for me and something for my family. I decided I would try and make the most of what I could no matter what. I didn't know how much time I might have with my child and I didn't know if whatever time I had would be spent in a hospital. So I decided I was going to make any memories with my child I could. I was going to get my family out of the hospital and out of the Ronald McDonald house and our house and we were going to laugh and play and make the most of our time whether that turned out to be nine months, three years or decades. I decided I was going to remember SUNDAY July 22, 2012 as the day that my sweet sweet boy dipped his toes in the Atlantic ocean, not another day in the recovery of two weeks filled with 14 rounds of radiation and five days of low dose chemo, followed by an overnight stay because he wasn't holding his oxygen after being sedated everyday for seven days. I decided that I was going to remember SUNDAY September 30, 2012 as the day that Clayton ran around in a pumpkin patch smiling and George and I picked apples right off the tree and ate them right in the middle of the orchard rather than to remember that day for being the day that we checked in the hospital to start a week of torturing our child. The same way I am going to remember today as a day I passed a test that will aid me in my future career endeavors and the day that I had a beautiful drive home from Tuscaloosa, AL with a coworker, it will not be a day that I remember for the actions of the person who inspired this post or the fact that when I got home the AC was broken and a short while later Clayton threw up all down my back and all I could think is "oh God, are there tumors growing." You see I made a conscious decision to remember the good. But to do that I have to make opportunities for the good; and so when I can, I do.
In this world, I am surrounded by heartache and pain. When we are in New York we stay in a hospital on the same floor where children have died after their grueling battles with cancer. We live in the Ronald McDonald house amongst kids whose bodies are riddled with cancer and I pray everyday I will see them walk by just so I know they are OK. It is necessary to get out and try and free our minds from time to time and what we do in our personal time on the weekends is our business. I only share those experiences so that those people that care about Clayton can see him enjoying himself rather than enduring some kind of treatment yet again. I have four grandparents at home, George and I both have sisters there, aunts and uncles and cousins and even if no one else cares how Clayton is doing on his good days, they do. So if not for anyone else, I do it for them. But there are many other people that care as well and so I do it for all of them...and for me and George.
And as for how wrong this person was in their accusations, let me lay it out for them if they are still reading:
I had no idea how I was going to keep working when this all started, but the wonderful people George and I work with made that a possibility. I have had to be in and out over the past 11 months and I think it is shameful that this person would suggest that either George or myself would take advantage of the kindness of our coworkers by abusing their generosity. We would never dare. In fact it is quite the opposite. George and I constantly feel guilty and wish we could repay their kindness. We have always been open and forthright and willing to do whatever we needed to do for things to work out. And every step of the way we did as we were told. What we wouldn't give to not be in this situation at all. But we are and every week day our child is not in the hospital, George and I are at work. When we fly home on a Sunday after a couple of weeks in New York, we are at work on Monday morning. And as much as I love my job, you can bet I would love to be home recouping from our trip from time to time, but I roll my behind out of bed the next morning and go to work. George spent three weeks at home so he could work while Clayton and I were in NYC during which time Clayton had a surgery and was in the hospital recovering from his hemorrhagic cystitis. Can you imagine how hard it was for George to watch his son get med-flighted away not knowing what was going to happen or when he would see him again? My mother is traveling with me to NYC next week so that George can stay here and work. When Clayton was in the hospital in Mobile, either George or myself was always at work and after a while, our mothers would drive over at 5:30 in the morning, so George and I could both go to work. Our mothers have sacrificed their time to sit with Clayton during the week days throughout this process so that we could work. George and I have done everything we can to show the utmost respect to our employer and our coworkers for their kindness and understanding. If one or both of us could be there, then we were. And yes, I seriously considered quitting my job a few times because I feared I would hate myself if my child died and I spent his healthy days away from him. But I didn't quit. I stayed because we are a two income family. I stayed out of respect for the coworkers that'd reached out to help us. I stayed out of respect for the supervisor that took a chance hiring me before all of this. I stayed for the sacrifices that those who work with me have made in my absence. I stayed because I love my job and I want my job. What I never did though was abuse people's generosity and I resent that implication made by this person. Not only have we sacrificed throughout this ordeal, in order for us to be at work, but our families have sacrificed as well. So for someone to act as though we are being irresponsible or selfish just rubs me the wrong way.
So as an FYI for that person here are the details of our excursion:
First of all, we had to report to the hospital to check in for an inpatient stay by 7pm SUNDAY September, 30, 2012; we decided to fly to NYC on SATURDAY September 29, 2012 so that we could spend the day SUNDAY taking a road trip in the country. Our extracurricular activities were all done on the WEEKEND during a time that George and I would not be at work no matter where we were. Our flight arrangements for that trip did not take place on a work day so it makes no difference as far as work goes whether we flew up on a SATURDAY or a SUNDAY. We had to spend the money to fly up there no matter what and so we chose to make the most of it. So let me sum it up...our trip apple picking can in no way be tied to anything with our jobs, it was something we did on a WEEKEND and has no relation to our time spent at work. The one other road trip we took while in NYC was also taken on a SUNDAY. Aside from those two excursions, we have had no vacations, we have had little fun and a lot of hell. We're trying to make the most out of what we can, rather than crawling in a dark hole and crying about it.
On this last trip to NYC I met a mother who has been doing this for 7 years with her son. They are from South Africa. She told me a story how back at home she went to the baseball park with her son and another mother saw her son and said to him,"So you can't go to school, but you can come to the baseball park, huh." Let's just say the mother I met had some choice words for the mother from the story. How dare she? Her son would give anything to go to school and to be healthy. How dare that woman pass judgement on her child.
It is funny how much that situation parallels this one. Don't mess with our kids. Don't mess with our attempts to take advantage of a beautiful day because there are few beautiful days we get to enjoy. We are like momma bears that aren't in the mood to be poked.
Now I am going to move past this, but if this person is out there...I am trying to live my life and I hope you will try and live yours and leave my family out of it.
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